Books & Media
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Runes
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Talismans
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Morrigan

Coru Cathubodua Battlefield Devotional at West-An Tir War

At West-An Tir War, a medieval reenactment and armored combat gathering of the Society for Creative Anachronism, Coru priests will be leading a evening devotional to honor Cathubodua, the Battle Raven, and invoke Her blessing on the fighting, to inspire and protect the fighters, and to dedicate the battles in Her name.

20
Jun - 14

Taking the Book of the Great Queen further

Readers of this blog are likely aware that over the past couple of weeks, all my energy has been going into the Book of the Great Queen fundraising campaign on IndieGoGo, which launched June 10th, met its primary goals in less than 72 hours, and met both its stretch goals within a little over a week. That’s a testament to the power and passion of the community of devotees. I’ve been feeling incredibly proud and honored to be part of this.

Not only did we secure the funding for the completion and publication of the book; not only did we also secure funding to commission beautiful artwork from Valerie Herron for the book… We also get to do something that really is close to my heart – the Poetry & Songs of the Morrigan recording project. This will be a professional studio recording of the poems of the Morrigan, spoken aloud as an enchanting vocal incantation, in both the original Old Irish, as well as the English translations. It will also include a couple of beautiful devotional chants and songs in Irish and Gaulish, which have never been recorded before as they are original to the Coru Cathubodua Priesthood. This recording will be shared as a digital download with all of my campaign backers who come in at $20 and above.

I’m already hard at work moving all the pieces into place for this project. I’ve been corresponding with Celtic scholars P. Sufenas Virius Lupus (who’s also going to be consulting with me for the book itself) and Isolde Carmody (of the Story Archaeology Podcast), about guidance for Old Irish language pronunciation, and selecting text and translation versions for the poems. I hope to be able to post a list of the texts we’ll be recording, soon.

And so I’m presently in the unexpected position of having everything I envisioned for the project funded, with three-and-a-half weeks still to go! I really didn’t anticipate passing all my goals so early in the campaign timeline. And yet the contributions are continuing to come in, as people join in to receive the recording, pre-order the book, and for all the other reasons people choose to back the project.

So I’m contemplating other ways to give back to the community out of the funds that are continuing to come in. I would love to hear from you. What else would you like to see as a next stretch project?

Alternately, I may go another route, since the time that I have free to devote to further projects beyond the book and the recording is quite limited now. Instead of setting further stretch projects, I may just donate a portion of the extra funds toward one or more causes. If I go that route, I’m most interested in causes that are especially relevant to the Morrigan’s spheres of interest. Examples that come to mind might be:

  • Support of veterans or others impacted by war
  • Modern sovereignty struggles such as those of Indigenous nations
  • Work to study and preserve Celtic history and cultures
  • Or…?

I’d love to hear from you: what do you think would be the most honorable way to give some of this back? What organizations do you think are doing the best and most needed work that is relevant to the interests of the Great Queen?

Oh, and in case you don’t follow on social media, here’s the latest photo of progress on the illuminated manuscript painting.

illuminated vellum 13 square

04
Jun - 14

Three…Two…One…

The past month has been a whirlwind of activity – since making the decision to run a crowdfunding campaign to fund the publication of my book, preparing for the campaign, and continuing my work schedule on the book, have demanded almost all my time. Here’s what I’ve been up to…

Illumination

As a way to create something beautiful for backer rewards for the campaign, I’ve been working on a new devotional artwork. In the illuminated manuscript style of the Book of Kells, a detailed ink painting of the Morrígan and Her “Peace to the Sky” prophecy poem, on authentic calfskin vellum. Followers of my social media feeds have been seeing process photos as I go along through the design, sketching, layout, and inking phases of the piece. It remains in progress and I’ll continue posting updates as I complete it. Here’s the current progress:

illuminated vellum 9 square

From this artwork, prints, cards, and downloadable versions will be made for backers of the crowdfunding campaign. I’m also going to do a one-color t-shirt with the image of the Queen from this artwork.

It’s been and continues to be a joy to work on. Something I’ve discovered is that working on vellum is amazing. As a friend put it, it’s sexy. The vellum is warm to the touch and has a silken texture, like – well, like skin. It shifts and stretches in response to the warmth of the hand and the moisture of the ink. It’s translucent, letting light softly through, highlighting ghostly tiny veins that appear and disappear. Colors sink in to its layered surface and seem to glow with life.

I hope to have the opportunity to show this piece to at least a few of you in person before it goes – it really must be seen with the eyes as the photos do not do it justice.

The Campaign

We launch June 10th – next Tuesday night. The campaign will run 36 days, closing on July 15th. And there’s a launch party you can join in on – either in person in Oakland, or remotely via the internet.

A preview of the campaign is up at BookoftheGreatQueen.com – and I want you to take a look and give me your feedback on the campaign before we go live!

Bearing in mind that this is a draft page and still may change, what do you think? Like the backer rewards? Which is your favorite or the one you’re most likely to choose? Have suggestions about rewards I should consider adding or changing?

And YES, there will be a video! My dear friend, Coru co-priestess, marketing empress, and Wild Hunt writer Rynn Fox is finishing editing on the video now, so we will have that up on the campaign page within a few more days and certainly before launch.

Book Progress

While all this is going on, I’ve continued to keep my time commitment to working on the book. I recently got access to some excellent UC Berkeley library materials and have been delightedly chewing through them: a tantalizing compendium on ancient Celtic cursing practices; analytical materials on Irish poetic forms including the poems of the Morrígan; a treatise on Indo-European heroic frenzy and the Hero’s Light… and SO. MUCH. MORE. I really could disappear for weeks into these books.

The book itself is taking shape, and I feel a stronger than ever sense of momentum with it. I’m looking forward to the time soon when, post-fundraising campaign, I’ll hopefully be able to cut back on my third job and devote that time to writing, writing, writing.

I can’t wait to share all this with you. In Her glorious name!

01
May - 14

The Book of the Great Queen

Today is an auspicious day. I am thrilled to be able to share two announcements that mean the world to me:

1. The Book of the Great Queen to be published by Concrescent Press!

My book project, a comprehensive book on the lore, history, and worship of the Morrígan, now has a publisher: independent esoteric publishing house Concrescent Press. Concrescent is the imprint headed by Sam Webster, M.Div., a brilliant scholar of Pagan studies and the magical arts, as well as an old and dear friend. I am delighted to be working with Sam and Concrescent on this project.

My tentative working title for the book is The Book of the Great Queen. I’m completing the final 5% or so of primary research, and will be completing the writing of the book over the coming months, to deliver by the end of the year.

You can view an early, general topical outline here. As you can see, my intention for the book is to provide a comprehensive and in-depth look at the Morrígan as we know Her through textual, historical, and archaeological sources, Her role and cult of worship in ancient Celtic religion, and to provide guidance for the modern devotional practitioner drawing on these traditions.

And I welcome feedback. What questions related to the Morrígan would you like to see answered in this book?

2. Crowdfunding campaign coming soon!

My second piece of news: We’ve made the decision to go forward with a crowdfunding campaign to raise funds for publication and to allow supporters to pre-order the book. I am working with Sam and several more key allies to prepare for the campaign, and we expect to launch in early June.

My hope is that crowdfunding will provide a small but much-needed financial backing to allow me to devote more time over the next several months to finishing the book, as well as covering up-front publication expenses, such as professional editing, illustrations, and layout. I also love the participatory aspect of crowdfunding and look forward to engaging with backers, sharing project updates, sneak previews from the book, and hearing feedback and encouragement.

At present, I’m looking at IndieGoGo as the most likely platform for the campaign – primarily because of its lower fees and availability of PayPal for payments (which some folks have requested). However, if you have an opinion about which crowdfunding platform would make it easier for YOU to back the project, feel free to let me know.

I’ll also be creating some new, original artwork just for the book and the campaign, which will be exclusively available to backers, along with pre-ordering options for the book itself.

I hope this news delights you as much as it does me! Stay tuned to this blog, or my Facebook/Twitter feeds for updates on the book and the campaign.

And may the fires of Beltane bless you and bring you fierce joy!

Meeting the Morrigan Workshop

She is called the Great Queen, the Phantom Queen, the Battle Raven: the Morrígan, Celtic Goddess of war, death, prophecy and Otherworld power. Who was She to the ancients, and what do history and literature tell us about Her role in ancient religious practice? Who is She to us today? Drawing on both history and personal experience, this workshop will give you the tools to begin connecting with the Morrígan, or to help you deepen your devotional practice.

08
Mar - 14

Noinden

You may notice me posting in this blog a little less frequently now-a-days. And if you follow my art and metalwork, I am producing new work a bit more slowly than usual. Here is what’s going on.

I have been for some time slowly gathering material for a book. The book that I have long wished someone would write: an in-depth, well-researched, comprehensive book on the Morrígan: Her history, lore, and cult of worship; incorporating contributions from historic, folkloric, archaeological, and modern sources, and guidance for devotional practice with Her in a Pagan/polytheist framework. The book that would bridge the gaping chasm that currently exists between the quality of information available about Her from academia on the one hand, and popular Pagan literature on the other. The book I constantly wish I could refer people to when they ask me what they should read to learn about the Morrígan.

This project has been slow-cooking on my hearth for about a year, but since I am kept busy working for a living at my art business, tattoo apprenticeship, and a third part-time job to make ends meet, I have not been able to prioritize it. Yet.

That’s where things are changing. Two days after I got home from PantheaCon, I got marching orders. In my daily devotional meditations, the Great Queen laid a binding on me that morning: a nóinden (ninefold counting of time). A nóinden is usually read as a period of nine days or nights; in this case, nine months. Nine months to get the draft written. This is what I’ve been given to do. It is a priority now.

I sat down with my calendar at that point and made a writing schedule: blocked out research and writing time for the rest of the year. So, okay; looking at the typical words-composed-per-hour rate of writers, and the time I have, I can do it. I think. I started in on that writing schedule right away.

And here’s the rub: I’m producing less art now, and less metalwork. For people interested in my medallions and talismans, it may mean that these are going to be a little more limited. When I sell out of a design, it’s now likely to be a few months instead of a few weeks before I can squeeze in the time for another batch of my rather labor-intensive creations. That means less income for me. That is a little scary, because I live fairly close to the margin, but this book feels important and necessary, and I’m trusting that I’ll figure out a way, with the help of the Gods and my allies.

Art is my primary work in this life, and I’m not keen on letting it be marginalized. If I had the option, I’d let go of my third job instead and give that time to writing. Presently, I can’t afford to do that. But something has to give. Tricky.

Several friends have suggested an IndieGoGo/Kickstarter type campaign to raise money to get this book done. I’m willing to consider something like that if there’s support for it. I’m interested in readers’ feedback about that.

In the meantime, while I puzzle these things out, writing is underway. I’m loving the research, delighting in each new jewel of lore I find in my diggings into ancient writings. And I will meet my appointment with the Queen, and have a draft to offer Her in nine months, whatever I have to do to make that possible.

The Great Queens: An Ancestor Ritual | PantheaCon 2014

In this ritual we reclaim the ancestral power of the great Queens with Macha, ancient Lady of Queenship, as our guide. Join us as we invoke the ancestral Queens of all tribes and nations as we seek the strength they drew upon to do their great deeds; that we too may walk tall as sovereigns.

Temple of the Morrigan | PantheaCon 2014

Please visit us in the Coru Temple and Hospitality suite: Rooms 269 & 271. Come and honor the Great Queen, and get to know us better!

22
Jan - 14

Macha: She would not stand down

The other night, I was listening again to one of the excellent Story Archaeology podcasts – the episode on Macha. And by the way, I highly recommend the entire Story Archaeology podcast series. I don’t always agree 100% with their intepretive angles, but the podcast and associated blog provides a wealth of wonderful detail and depth on Irish mythology, including original translations of some key early Irish poems.

Anyway: Macha. In the discussion, the podcasters cover Her deep associations with the land as living pasture, wealth and fertility, horses as embodiment and vessel of wealth, status, sovereignty, as well as connections to fire and the sun. They then wonder, if these qualities of brightness, life, land, and wealth are who and what She is, why is She also spoken of in connection with battle, slaughter, and carnage? Their conclusion on this question then seems to be that Macha’s bloody epithets don’t fit with the rest of Her identity, and are therefore incorrect.

You can probably guess I’m going to disagree. But I also think that the entire question is worthy of a long look. Because like the best questions, it is a fertile one: it spawns a whole new generation of questions after it. About theology, about scholarship, about how we source our understandings of the Gods.

Can Macha be both life and land, as well as battle and blood? Must the Gods necessarily be rational and consistent in Their qualities and spheres of action? If They’re not, how do we identify Them? How do we filter and interpret the information we receive from history?

For myself, I have no trouble embracing the idea that Macha would be called the Sun of Womanhood, and embody the bright, fertile field, the wealth and power of the royal horses it nourishes, and the ordering and civilizing function of sovereignty, AND that She would be one who revels in the slaughter and harvests the bloody heads of the slain like acorns. I actually have to work to see where there is a conflict here. Because the fields that grow the shining grass, the fields where the royal horses run, become the fields of battle too. Because land becomesMacha territory, and territory is tribal politics, and tribal politics is war. Because in ancient Celtic society, kingship is in large part warlordship, and the horse is ever the symbol of this: the ubiquitous title attached to many of the ancient kings in the mythological cycle, Eochaid, means ‘horse-lord’ . Because the sacredness of horses in Celtic society cannot be decoupled from elite/royal status and from their function as animals of warfare. We have etymological and mythological evidence suggesting this as a historical transformation of early Celtic Goddesses such as Macha from primarily land-Goddesses to territorial, protective, and warlike Goddesses. Eventually we also see the semi-historical heroine Macha Mongruad carrying the name, and a story that is all about territory, sovereignty, and battle, in which the horse has disappeared. Somewhere Macha becomes one of the Morrígna – sometimes given as a sister of the Morrígan, sometimes as another name of the Morrígan Herself.

I think Macha’s mythology can serve to remind us that all mythologies are collected images and stories, from traditions that necessarily contain huge amounts of variation, diversity, and that evolved over time. This is especially true of tribal-oriented societies like the ancient Celts, for whom national identity as ‘Irish’ or even ‘Celtic’ was probably far secondary to tribal identity, and we have to imagine that the attributes and stories of the Gods varied from tuath to tuath. We should never expect to be able to fit tribal Gods into consistent pantheons, with rational and consistent attributes, without overlap and blurring of functions and domains, or without theological paradox.

Her story also forces us to contemplate the sources of our theological lore, and to explore all those questions about how we evaluate those sources:

If we have lore purporting to describe mid-Iron age heroic sagas, written down by 8th-10th century Christians, how do we measure that against apparently conflicting lore about early Iron Age mythological literature, written down by 12th-13th century Christians? Against data from folk-stories about the history of the land? From early medieval annals of kings?

If a piece of information appears in a text we consider a primary source because of its age, is it automatically correct? Is it possible for data we receive from our source texts to be wrong? Misunderstood or misinterpreted by the chronicler? How would we know?

If all of our text sources were written down by Christians recording the parts of older Pagan Celtic mythology that they had already abandoned theologically but still thought worth recording, can we actually say that we have any primary source texts at all?

If all of our Irish mythological literature comes through the voice of Christian scholarship, what is actually the difference between a primary text source and a secondary source or an interpretive literature? Is archaeology our only primary source material? Wait, doesn’t that rely on the interpretation of the archaeologist?

If we have no sources for information that are direct and primary, how do we make sense of apparent conflicts in the lore? Whose voice is authoritative?

I think the intelligent position to take when reading the complex lore of a figure like Macha, is not to say “this piece of lore must be wrong because it doesn’t seem to fit my image of Her.” At the same time, I also think we have to be more sophisticated in our understanding of the sources than to treat them all as some kind of unquestionable gospel. What we must do is read them as what they are: the voices of medieval people who were themselves musing, contemplating, and exploring the traditions of their ancestors. We must try to see them as a collection of different voices, telling these stories from a range of human perspectives. To remember that each of these voices is filtering a collection of human experiences and traditions – the way this or that tuath related to Macha, in this or that time period, as remembered by this or that storyteller. This voice here tells of a love of peace, order, sovereignty, the fertile body of the land, the sleek shining horses. This voice here tells of the bloody carnage wrought by petty medieval kings in their lifetime, and how they still felt Her presence in those fields, red instead of golden. This voice here hints of the rituals their ancestors once practiced – the ceremonial horse races, the kingship rites, the sacrifices, the women’s birthing rites. This voice here tells of a people clinging to the folk memory of a bright battle leader and proud Queen.

Finally, it comes down to your own voice, doesn’t it? We don’t get to passively receive this lore. We have to engage it, find our own way into it, make sense of it in a conscious act of interpretation. We have to walk into the stories and meet Macha in Her own realm, search out what Her face looks like to each of us, how She lives and speaks to us now. Macha who gave birth to the twins also brings us face to face with contradiction and paradox. She challenges us. She will not let us stand down.

08
Jan - 14

PantheaCon 2014

Here are my details on happenings at the upcoming PantheaCon Pagan Convention in which I and some of my fellow Coru priests will be participating. I’m especially excited about the blood drive, a devotional project that is close to my heart, as well as our Temple space for the Morrígan and the family of Celtic deities. The Coru hospitality and Temple suite will be the best place to find me at the Con. I look forward to meeting some of you for the first time, and reconnecting with old friends too.

Blood Drive PantheaCon 2014: Find the Hero In You

Following the success of last year’s blood drive, this year we’ve added a second bloodmobile and expanded the drive to Friday! Bloodmobiles will be on site Friday 2/14 through Saturday 2/16 to receive blood donations. Please sign up in advance for a blood donation appointment – this helps the Blood Center allocate enough staff and equipment to meet the need. We also need volunteers to help staff the blood drive signup table.

Details on how to donate or volunteer to support the blood drive can be found here: http://bansheearts.com/bloodheroes/

Facebook Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/events/571373586290525/

 

Temple of the Morrigan & Coru Hospitality Suite

Please visit us in the Coru hospitality suite & Temple: Rooms 269 & 271. Come and honor the Great Queen, and get to know us better!

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Hospitality Room: Want to know more about the Coru priesthood? Looking to meet and talk with others who are drawn to the Morrígan? Interested in Celtic heroic spirituality? Join us in our hospitality room for conversation and fellowship with our community.

Temple Room: A dedicated sanctum for reverence of the Morrígan and the family of Celtic Gods and heroes. Join us for collective worship at the scheduled times below. Or, visit our Temple during open hours for solitary worship.

  • Friday 9-11 pm: Temple dedication rites, followed by social time in the Hospitality Room.
  • Saturday 10 am – 7 pm: Temple and Hospitality Rooms open
    • 10 am: Temple opening prayers; 6:30 pm: Temple closing prayers
  • Sunday 10 am – 7 pm: Temple and Hospitality Rooms open (except during Coru Great Queens ritual, 3:30-5:00)
    • 10 am: Temple opening prayers; 6:30 pm: Temple closing prayers

Facebook Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/events/620252948054695

Sacrifice and Modern Paganism: A Panel Discussion

With Coru Cathubodua Priesthood | Saturday 11:00 AM – Oak room30949057_1219274447_Gundestrup_Cauldron_detail

From offering the best wine and grain to the finest animal or tribal member to the Gods, sacrifice was a central part of many ancient cultures. But as modern Pagans we must ask ourselves: what is the role of sacrifice today? How is sacrifice relevant to our experience, and should we invest the time and energy to restore ancient sacrificial rites to their place within Pagandom? Or should we invent modern sacrificial rites, and if so, what would they entail? Explore these questions and others as we discuss the place of sacrifice within ancient and modern traditions.

Facebook Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/events/697226960296466

The Great Queens: An Ancestor Ritual

With Coru Cathubodua Priesthood  | Sunday 3:30PM – Cedar room

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They fought, they stood strong, they overcame, and they were victorious. The past is radiant with great Queens. Yet much of history remembers only the stories of Kings. Thus we are all impoverished, men and women, losing the wisdom of half our human lineage. In this ritual we reclaim the ancestral power of the great Queens with Macha, ancient Lady of Queenship, as our guide. Join us as we invoke the ancestral Queens of all tribes and nations as we seek the strength they drew upon to do their great deeds; that we too may walk tall as sovereigns.

Facebook Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/events/1411025139139646

Runes of the Ancestors: A Journey to the Roots of Runic Power

With Hannah Lipsky & Grant Guindon | Sunday 9:00 pm – San Jose/ Santa Clara rooms

viking stone743In this ecstatic ceremony, we evoke the primal power of the runes through ancient guardian animals. Algiz and Dire Elk ward; Eagle and Ansuz open the way. With Gebo and Dire Boar we make offerings to Odin; the untamed power of Aurochs and Uruz lend us strength. Raidho and Wild Horse draw us along our path; Cave Bear and Perthro open the deep mysteries. The bright torch of Kenaz brings Sabertooth cunning; Othala and the clan call of Dire Wolf carry us home. Come explore these runes with us and leave with their magic in your head, heart and hands.

20
Dec - 13

Long Dark Solstice of the Soul

Two years ago on the Winter Solstice, I took a leap of faith that cost me everything. It took me a long time to write about this, because it’s personal and a bit raw and embarrassing, and because it doesn’t make anyone look good.

I was in the dark for a long time, when I look back on it. But you see, and this is why I’m telling this story, you don’t realize it at the time – you’ve been in the dark so long you think you’re just blind, or that’s all the light there is. Dim, dreary, fumbling amongst shadows, knees skinned to bleeding, exhausted but still upright and stumbling along. That was me. I forgot life could be any brighter than that.

I should explain. I’m that girl who thinks she can handle anything. I grew up a tomboy, grew up wilderness camping with my dad and wandering the woods outside our mountain house alone. I learned hammer and nailgun and socket wrench and tire iron. Because I didn’t want to be a helpless female. I admired Disney villainesses and adventurers and heroes and serial killers. Queen Boudicca and Joan of Arc were my heroes. You can’t scare me.

In my late 20’s and my 30’s, I was living the strong-woman life. I was the breadwinner in my marriage. I was involved in leadership in my spiritual community, I had students, I had co-founded a Pagan sanctuary, built a stone henge, hell, built an empire almost. I was a priestess of a war Goddess and talking to the world about autonomy, strength, courage, warriorship, sovereignty. But I was in the dark and running blind.

Art by Aunia Kahn

This is the part where I have to bite the bullet and tell it to you straight out. I was busy showing the whole world how strong, independent and powerful I was, and all the time I was living a lie because I was living with a verbally and emotionally abusive partner, and I was letting myself be bullied, belittled, tormented, controlled and undermined every day. I was eggshell-walking around the rage triggers and justifying it to myself. I was appeasing and apologizing, promising to change myself and become better. I was apologizing just to stop the fighting even when I didn’t think I was being the crazy one, until after a while I was so used to being wrong that I didn’t know what to think, and maybe he was right and I was the crazy one. The confidence I displayed to everyone was a lie. I was deep in the dark. For years.

And I stayed there that long because I was tough, goddamnit. I could handle this. I could not fathom the idea that I could be that pathetic woman who stays with an abuser. That could never happen to me. This was something else. It wasn’t abuse, we just had a really dynamic, fiery partnership. I was a strong, independent woman. And that is why I’m telling this story now. Because strong women have this blind spot and I have now seen it a couple more times in friends of mine. Our self-image as strong women who wouldn’t put up with that leads us straight into the trap.

I was deep in the dark and I stayed there for years, stumbling along. Honestly, I have no idea if I would have saved myself, or how long it would have taken me. What happened is that two years ago, She stepped in.

People who work with the Morrígan have observed that starting in about late 2010 or early 2011, She started to get more active and more insistent with Her priests. That aligns with what happened to me. I had been a dedicated devotee for over a decade at that point, but something big shifted in 2011 and She started wanting more from me. I struggled all that year to understand what She wanted, to step up, to deepen my service, but I felt profoundly confused and in the dark, struggling to translate and visualize what I was supposed to do. My narrowed, starved sense of self no longer had the imaginative capacity or the courage to visualize the horizons She was trying to push me toward. I simply could not imagine being the person who would do the things She was showing me.

Late in 2011, I think She must have got impatient with me, because the visionary possessions and intense dreams kicked in, She sent a long-estranged old flame who was also Her priest to remind me what human interaction should look like, and when I still wasn’t listening, She turned to fits of simply screaming inside my skull. And, you know, I’m not actually stupid, and I finally did get the message. The message landed in mid-December, after a particularly brutal episode of traumatic verbal rage from my partner, which broke through my protective prison of denial with the realization that I’m NOT the crazy one. THIS is crazy. And the next time I was at my devotions, She was there, and huge, a presence as still as the pillars of the earth and as undeniable, and She said, CHOOSE. You cannot be My vessel and do My work while you are selling out your sovereignty. I require a vessel with structural integrity. You need to choose: stay broken, or be whole and do My work.

The long darkness finally broke and the light came streaming in. On the eve of the Winter Solstice, I made a commitment to Her and to myself. I committed to honoring Her in my own sovereignty, and to reclaiming my integrity. I made a pact that starting on the Solstice, I would give myself three months until the Equinox to renegotiate my life in alignment with my sovereignty and my needs, but if it could not be so realigned, I would get out. By Equinox, I would be my own being again and free to do Her work, whatever that cost me.

I am here to tell you that it cost me everything, and it was the best bargain I ever made. Over the next year, I turned my entire life inside out. I used to joke to friends that the Morrígan ate my life… but I wasn’t really joking. I dissolved my marriage, moved from remote wild mountain to city, lost my job, started an entire new career, started a business, and founded a priesthood of the Morrígan. Most of 2012 is a kind of hurricane in my memory. And I would do it all again if I had the same choice given to me. I have never been happier, healthier, freer, or felt more solidly in line with my life’s purpose.

Why did I tell this very personal story on my very public blog? Well, because it’s the Solstice and it’s on my mind. But also, because like I said earlier, I think that the trap I fell into can happen to a lot of us, and not just women, either. And the more we don’t talk about it because it is embarrassing to us, or because we don’t want to make our partner/abuser look bad, the more there is a culture of silence about it, the more that blind spot can operate to hide the trap. One of the reasons I did wait this long to talk about it is because I still share a lot of friends with my former partner, and I’ve felt uncomfortable about making him look bad or poisoning those friendships for him. But you know, this happened to me. To us. It was real, and I doubt he is any more glad of it than I am. And I don’t think people like him who find themselves becoming abusers are helped by the culture of shame and silence either. He is not a monster, he is an evolving human being like the rest of us, and he got lost in the dark too.

And the other thing I want to share from this is about courage and destiny. Meeting your destiny may cost you everything else. And my friends, if my case is illustrative at all, it is WORTH EVERY PENNY. Not every risk that comes your way is destiny calling you. But if you find yourself huddled up inside, in the dark; if you find yourself wondering how you ended up here because it doesn’t feel like your story; if you find yourself turning from opportunity because I can’t, I could never do that, not me… then start looking for a risk. Start looking for something that terrifies the fuck out of you, because that terror is your calling, it’s the light breaking in. And above all, if your Gods offer you a hand, take it. Take the risk, do not look back, do not worry about the cost or what you might lose because there is nothing, nothing, nothing worth letting your soul die in the dark for. And because stepping on the path of your destiny is a life-affirming act, and the Gods love a courageous heart, and the life force will answer and rise in you, and something new will rise and take the place of whatever you have to let go of when you take that leap.

Blessed Solstice to you, and may the light of courage always return for you.

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